Levi's Dating Column
by Fliggy
Summary: "Levi! what does it mean if a girl sends you a video of two animals making out and says 'IT'S US' ? help!" Levi stared down at his phone in disbelief. The little black characters on his screen stared back at him. How the hell had Eren Yeager gotten his number? (Quick one-shot where Eren asks Levi for dating advice. Might expand into full story later.)
1. Bzzt

Bzzt.

Levi pulled out his phone from a coat pocket, where he'd felt it vibrate with a new text message. He took a sip of his milkshake, then unlocked the screen and opened the text.

 _Levi! what does it mean if a girl sends you a video of two animals making out and says "IT'S US!" ? help!_

Levi stared down at his phone in disbelief. The little black characters on his screen stared back at him.

How the hell had Eren Yeager gotten his number? Why did that twerp think it was okay for him, a lowly freshman nobody on the team, to text Levi, the all-state, national-record holding, college-recruited, senior team captain?

And how could _anyone_ be this dense about girls?

"You're making that face again," Petra said. "Your prissy face."

There were five of them: Levi, and his four best friends—Gunter, Eld, Olou, and Petra. They were crowded into a booth at Zeke's Diner, Levi's favorite post-practice hangout spot.

(There were a of couple reasons why this place was his favorite. One, they had a cheap buy-one get-one-free milkshake deal here. Two, the diner was pretty far away from high school campus, which meant you needed a car to get there. And that was just swell for Levi, because that meant the clientele was naturally free of bratty freshmen. AKA, Eren Yeager.)

"Tell me," Levi said, still staring at his phone. "If a scrawny freshman fucknugget tried to slide into your DM's, how would you respond?"

"Beat his ass," Olou suggested, between bites of his sandwich.

Gunter snorted. "Just don't respond," he said. "What was the message? Weird?"

Levi tossed his phone on the table and the rest of the gang crowded around to look. Olou chortled when he read it. Eld shook his head with a wry smile. "Were we ever that dumb?"

Levi crossed his arms. "You lot, maybe. Me? Never."

Petra gasped as she read the message sender's name. "Wait, that's Eren!" she squealed. "I know his mom! Levi, you have to respond. You have no idea, his mom is just the sweetest thing. I met her at a book sale."

"Hold on," Gunter said, frowning. "Wasn't Eren one of the new kids at the team meeting today?"

"Yeah," said Levi.

"I think you should text him back, dude. If he's on the team and he messaged you, he's probably just trying to, you know, reach out. Also, if you ignore him he might quit or something."

"Do I really have to?" Levi moaned. "Is this like a team captain thing? Like I have to be nice to all the new people?"

"Yeah, I think so," said Gunter. Petra and Eld nodded sagely, while Olou just shrugged and went back to his sandwich.

"Fuck," said Levi. "I should have let Mike win." He took back the phone from the center of the table. Eren's text, with its absurdness, stared back at him.

 _How tf did you get this number?_ He pressed send and looked back up at his friends. "Okay, let's see how long—" Bzzt.

What? ...how?

In the less-than-two-seconds since he'd sent the message, Eren had somehow _already_ responded.

"Kid's got reflexes," Gunter admitted.

The notification for Eren's reply floated across the screen and Levi opened it automatically. _Hey Levi! Thx for answering! Sooo i got your number because you wrote it on the board at team meeting today and youu said if there's ever an emergency or something we can call or text you :) :) :) and i guess you could say this is reallyyyy an emergency :( :( :( girls man am i right_

"There's no way," Levi muttered. "There's just no way he could have typed something that fast." Unless. Unless Eren had already guessed what Levi was going to ask him, then had actually sat down and pre-typed a response, then waited for him to send it.

"What the fuck," Levi said.

"What'd he say?" Petra asked. Levi showed the phone to her. She gasped and brought her hands up to her face. "Oh my god," she said. "Levi, you need to adopt this kid. So CUTE! Look, he used six emoticons!"

"That's six too many," Olou said, taking the phone. "Definitely a virgin."

"Not if Uncle Levi gives him a few pointers," Gunter said. "Right, Levi?"

Levi buried his head in his hands. "Do you think I'd get in trouble with coach if I told this kid to quit the team? I don't think I can stomach seeing his face after this. Too much cringe."

"Hey, can I respond to him?" Olou said. He was already typing into the phone. He pressed send and then snickered.

Petra glanced at the message. "Olou!" she said and smacked him on the arm.

"What, what'd he send?" Levi asked. Olou handed back the phone, still snickering. Levi glanced down at the message.

 _She wants the D. now, for the real question. does she got big tiddies_

"Wow," he said.

"I think you lost the high ground of maturity," Eld said.

"Whatever, at least Yeager Boy didn't have an immediate response lined up for—" Bzzt.

Levi opened Eren's response despite himself.

 _ehh, i mean not really but she's like really cool in a lot of other ways. i'm just kinda nervous about asking her outt or something cuz we've been friends for so long you know? it's like so hard to tell when girls are flriting or just being nice :(_

He passed the phone around again. Eld and Gunter didn't say anything, just passed it on. Olou shook his head and muttered, "no tiddies," while Petra cooed affectionately. "Oh, this sweet child," she said. "My baby's having his first crush."

"Petra, do you even know Eren?"

"No, but he's officially my son. I've adopted him."

Levi took the phone back. "Alright, I'm going to end this," he said. He typed up the message carefully.

 _Look, it seems like she's into you, and even if she's not, you're clearly into her. So, you should probably go ahead and ask her out. Just my two cents_

Bzzt. Eren's response: _but what if she says no?_

 _Then she says no,_ Levi texted. _Get over it. That's life. tough shit_

Bzzt. _idk, i really value our friendship and i don't want to ruin that over some stupid feelings or smth you know?_

Levi sighed deeply. "Lord give me strength."

 _Look, Eren. I've asked a lot of girls out in high school, most have said yes (obv), some have said no. But I don't regret putting myself out there. Now, you can choose to ask this chick out or just bottle it up. The decision's yours. You know what I'd do in the situation, but you shouldn't rely on that. You need to choose for yourself. The truth is, you might get rejected. You might even ruin your friendship. No one ever knows how it'll turn out. So, choose for yourself. Make the decision you'll regret the least._

His finger hesitated above the send button, then he went back and added one more line. _Now don't text me again until you've won us state championships._

He sent it, switched his phone to silent, and dropped it back in his phone pocket. "Alright, that takes care of that," he said. He took a long sip of his milkshake. "Now, who's down to go to Hange's? I need a little partying to de-stress."

"Hold on," Gunter said. He was frowning and scrolling through his phone. "You said the kid's name is Eren Yeager?"

"Yeah."

"And you were trying to get him to ask out his best friend or something?"

"Yeah."

"He's got a lot of pictures with—I mean—isn't that—" Gunter laid his phone face-up on the table. "Levi, isn't that your sister?"

Levi stared down at Eren's Facebook wall, which was filled with photos of him, some short blonde kid, and… yep, that black-haired girl was none other than his little sister Mikasa.

Photos of Eren and Mikasa at the beach. At the coffee shop. Selfies in class. Laughing. Levi dimly remembered that Mikasa had mentioned some of her friends… she was always so secretive, though… what were their names? Carmen and Aaron, or something?

Not Aaron. _Eren_.

Realization slowly dawned.

"Fuck," he said.

"Wait, he texted you to get tips on asking out your own sister?" Olou said. He laughed incredulously. "Power move!"

Levi buried his face in his hands. "I swear to god. If I have to see this kid at Thanksgiving, I'm going to shit a goddamn brick."

Bzzt.

Levi _thought_ he had put his phone on silent, but clearly it hadn't registered. He slid it out from his coat pocket and stared blankly at the screen before unlocking it.

Eren's response was three words. And an emoticon.

 _She said yes :)_


	2. The L-Word

Six thirty p.m. on a Tuesday. The school weight room. Levi was on the leg press, pumping out a few more reps. He was the only one still here—the rest of the team had all left by now, even Reiner, who was basically just a giant meathead. But Levi was the school's strongest athlete for a reason.

Training was everything. No reason to go home before he'd finished the perfect workout. Also... Eren had been hanging out with Mikasa at his house lately. No way in hell was Levi going to be around for _that_.

He finished up his last set, then slid off the machine and grabbed his towel. Wiping away sweat from his forehead, he nearly shrieked as Krista Lenz suddenly flopsed through the door, skipping daintily as if she was something out of _Mary Poppins_.

Levi had no clue what the short blonde was doing in the weight room on a Tuesday evening—in fact, all he knew about her was that she was a junior and head of the school newspaper. But he could guess that whatever she was up to, it was bound to be trouble.

Krista opened her mouth to speak. "Levi—"

"Uh-uh. Out." He pointed to the door.

"Hold on, Levi. I need your help."

"Sorry, princess, I ain't your Han Solo. The weight room is off limits for people not on the team. That's a school rule, I didn't come up with it. So… get the fuck out."

"If you'd just listen for a second—"

"Nope. Sorry. I don't listen to scrawny little blonde midgets."

Krista looked downright pissed after that, which might have been intimidating if she wasn't about 4'11. But then she looked straight at Levi, and what she said next was absolutely terrifying. "If you don't shut your fucking mouth for half a minute and listen to what I have to say, I'm writing an editorial on how after-school activities promote educational inequality and the school should shut down expensive, upper-class sports programs like, ahem, _your team_. Oh, and I'll get my dad to make a substantial donation and advocate the same thing to the board of directors. So why don't you plop your ass back on the leg-press and let me explain. Mkay?"

Levi stared at her.

She put her hands on her hips and stared back at him.

"Wow. Fuck." He shook his head. "Alright, Krista. What the hell do you want?"

She took a second to regain her composure. As the angry red flare in her cheeks slowly faded, she meandered over to one of the spin bikes and leaned against it. She twiddled her thumbs and said, "So, uh…" Beneath her dissipating anger, it was almost like she was embarrassed. "I was wondering if you could give me some dating advice," she said.

"Sorry, what."

"Dating advice. I'm kind of in a tricky situation with someone I'm interested in. I've been trying to get help, but the only person I can really talk to about it is my lab partner in chemistry class, Eren. He said I should go to you, because you helped him with something like this before, and you're also really good at figuring out girls."

Fucking. Eren. Levi narrowed his eyes. "I am so going to pummel that kid next time I see him," he swore. "Can't believe that twerp's going around telling everyone to bother me with their personal… hold on. Did you say figuring out _girls_?"

Krista bit her lip. "…yeah."

"You want my help with… oh. OH. Shit. Okay. Uh… Krista… I am _not_ qualified for this."

"Levi please!" Krista leaned forward, desperate. "You need to help me! I don't really have any good friends I can ask about this, other than Eren, and he has no idea what to do either!"

"Sorry, sweetheart. You need someone with functioning gaydar."

"Levi, _please!_ We're going to dinner on Friday and I need to know if—"

"You're going to dinner?"

"Yes, at Nicolo's."

"You're going to dinner at _Nicolo's?_ That fancy-ass Italian place?"

"Yes."

"Girl, what is there to figure out? Does that not sound like a date to you?"

Krista pursed her lips. "I mean, it's a date, but, like, is it… a best-friends-forever kind of date? Or… a we're-best-friends-but-maybe-something-more kind of date?"

"That place is expensive as shit! Who the fuck would drop that much money on a friend? I don't think I'd ever spend that much money on a girl. Not even if she was my _wife."_

Krista pondered that for a second, absentmindedly pedaling one of the legs of the spin bike. "Yeah, I mean, I guess. And she does say things sometimes that makes me think she's into me."

"Oh, yeah?" Levi said, despite himself.

"Yeah, like about how she loves my smile, and how she wants me to be true to myself, and how we should get married once we're out of high school."

Levi's jaw dropped. "This girl is asking you to _marry_ her and you're not sure if you're just friends? Are you… how? Just, how are you this stupid?"

"I mean, I don't know if she's saying it in a gay way, or just a girly ha-ha let's get married kind of way, you know?"

"No, I don't know. I really don't know."

"I mean, it's not like she's ever said the L-word."

Levi frowned. "What, 'love'?"

"Oh, no, not that. She says she loves me every day. 'Love' isn't the L-word for lesbians, girls say that to each other all the time. For lesbians, the L-word is… 'lesbian'."

"Um, okay, sure. Whatever. So, the problem is she hasn't explicitly told you she's gay, right? But. She compliments you all the time. On your appearance _and_ your personality. She's said she wants to marry you. _And_ she invited you to the fanciest restaurant in town for dinner, on a Friday night. Face it, you guys are already dating."

Krista squinted, then shrugged. "Oookay. So… how do I, you know. Make things official?"

"Just take her back to your place, then make a move."

Krista frowned. "Make a… move?"

Levi rolled his eyes. "Oh my fucking god. Put on a scary movie and put your arm around her halfway or something. Based on what you've said about this chick, she's going to jump the shit out of you first chance she gets."

Krista thought this over for a few seconds, then, mercifully, she seemed satisfied. "Okay, thanks Levi!" she said. "Ugh, I'm so nervous, though."

"Look, it'll be fine. She sounds chill."

"Yeah, she's so cool." Krista gave a long sigh. "She's like, super rambunctious and always just says what's on her mind. I wish I could be as free-spirited as her."

Levi frowned. "Hold on," he said. "You're not talking about Ymir, are you?"

Krista's eyes widened. "…maybe."

"Ymir asked you to get dinner with her?"

"Yeah? Wait, why are you—"

Levi broke into laughter, loud, stomach-rumbling laughter. He tried to get himself to stop several times, only to break out into another fit. Finally, he came to a wheezing stop and caught his breath, lungs hurting. Krista was staring at him, looking absolutely terrified.

"Krista, you ever been to a party?" he asked.

"I don't go to parties."

"Well. If you'd ever gone to one, you'd know Ymir is the single gayest person in this entire school. She fucking slays, dude. Last week at Hange's I literally saw her wearing a shirt that said _Chick Magnet_. She wears snapbacks every Thursday and talks fucking nonstop about Kate McKinnon and Ellen Page. She's basically a giant green flashing sign that says L-E-S-B-I-A-N on it. She probably didn't tell you she's gay because she assume you know already, just like every other fucking person in this school and probably the entire planet."

There was a long pause. "Oh," Krista said finally. "Okay then. That makes things easier."

Levi shook his head, still chuckling to himself. "Seriously, don't even worry about Friday," he said. "You won't have to do a goddamn thing. This girl's booked a one-way ticket on the Poundtown Express. Destination: you."

Krista blushed red and found something particularly interesting to look at on the floor. "Okay, well, I think I have everything I need. Thanks again, Levi. You're a really big help."

Levi pointed his finger at her. "Now, I did you a favor, so you better not go around telling more people to come to me, alright? I've had enough of you dumbass kids. I'm got important stuff to do. Like weightlifting and stuff."

"Yeah, I know," Krista mumbled. "It's just… ugh! Levi, you know you're actually kind of motivational, right? Like, you're really good at pushing people."

"Well, I get fucking tired of you clueless little shits not asking each other out and being annoying as hell about it, so I try to get you to do what you need to do. That's all."

Krista suddenly looked up, a gleam in her eye. "You know what?" she said. "How would you like a dating column in the school newspaper?"

"No."

"It'd be anonymous."

"No."

"We could call it 'Ask the Captain.' I think it'd be a huge hit."

"No. Fuck no. Absolutely not. Zero percent chance."

"If you do it for a week, I'll write a recruitment article for the team."

…

…

…

And thus, Levi's dating column was born.


	3. Breadcrumbing and Thirst-Trapping

_Dear Ask the Captain,_

 _I feel like I've finally found the perfect boyfriend. He's sweet, sensitive, emotionally available, and knows how to make me laugh. He's really smart and is going to college next year to study engineering. I know this is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. There's only one problem: He doesn't know he's my boyfriend_.

Levi slid his reading glasses down to peer over at Krista. "Are you kidding me."

She made a little flapping motion with her hand. "Keep reading."

 _We hang out together all the time, but he doesn't seem to realize I'm the perfect girl for him. When I invite him to one-on-one's, he always ends up bringing his lame guy friends. It sucks because we'd really be perfect for each other! I love everything about him, even his weird bowl-cut. Captain—what do I do? Are there any good tricks you know for getting a boy's attention?_

 _Sincerely,_

 _Ms. Tryna Get Hitched_

"Sooo we need a response for this by tomorrow," Krista said.

"Tomorrow?" Levi said. He sighed and massaged his forehead. "Alright, I'll see what I can do. This is totally out of my wheelhouse, by the way, but apparently that doesn't matter. Anyway, I think I know someone who can help me write something."

"Great!" Krista said. She paused. "Oh, my date with Ymir went well, in case you were wondering."

"So, it was officially a date," Levi said.

"Yeah! And we ended up talking the whole time, and we have another date lined up next weekend!"

"Wow, that's awesome!" he said, and suddenly remembered that he was a senior team captain and probably shouldn't be that excited about some girl's love life. "I mean, wow, that's great," he repeated in a gruff voice.

"Thanks for all your help with that. E-mail me with your write-up when you're done, and I'll send it over to Marco for editing." Krista clapped her hands together. "Oh, I just know your column's going to be a huge hit!"

"Yeah, sure," Levi mumbled. "As long this stays anonymous. If anyone found out I was doing this, my reputation would be ruined."

* * *

He slid into the driver's seat of his car, and reached for his phone. Sliding it unlocked, he selected the first contact on his speed dial. The phone rang twice, then a voice answered. "Sup?"

"Petra, I need your help. It's an emergency," he said.

Petra gasped over the phone. "Oh my gosh, did you catch Eren and Mikasa doing it?"

"What? No—ew. Why would you—ugh, gross, just—no."

"Oh." She sounded a little disappointed.

"Um, yeah, so, anyway. You at your house? You busy right now?"

"Nah, not busy. Just watching _Office Space_ and painting my nails."

"Okay, cool. I'm driving over."

* * *

Petra hopped in the car. She had on a thin green hoodie with their school's crest on the front. She pulled the door shut. "Okay, what's the situation?"

Levi handed her the letter from "Ms. Tryna Be Hitched."

She read it, then glared at him. "You said it was an emergency."

"This _is_ an emergency. We need to get something out tomorrow for the column, and I have no idea how to respond to this thing. Why did Krista think this was a good idea? Hell, why did I think this was a good idea? Also—McDonalds?"

"No one made you do it. You're just getting way too into this team captain thing. You know you don't have to do everything for the team, right? You can have boundaries. Also yes to McDonalds."

Levi turned the key in the ignition and pulled back out onto the road. He tapped the gas and they went rolling off in the direction of the McDonalds drive-thru, which stayed open past 11. "So, what should I tell this girl?" he asked. "How exactly do girls get guys' attention? I assume you all have some methods we're not really aware of."

Petra considered for a second. "Well, there's bread-crumbing and thirst-trapping."

"Uh-huh."

"Bread-crumbing is more of a tactic for dealing with multiple guys, though. So I think thirst-trapping is more directly relevant, but she may need to adopt a combined approach if this guy is particularly stubborn."

"Sorry, wait. I'm lost. What does she need to do?"

"Look, it's simple. What's the best way for a girl to get out of the friendzone?"

"Um—talk to the guy?"

"No. NO. Terrible. You need to make the boy realize what he's missing. Preferably by getting the attention of a bunch of _other_ boys."

"Did you read this in _Cosmo_ or something?"

"Irrelevant. The first thing she needs to do is get on her finsta game. Coming up with the handle is a really important part of this, by the way—you want a name that's fresh but doesn't seem like it's trying too hard. Harry Potter puns are a safe bet."

"What the hell is a finsta?"

"It's like a secret account for people to post swimsuits pics or food. Do you really not know what Instagram is?"

"I know what Instagram is, I just don't get why you're calling it _finsta_."

"Levi, darling. You are so behind."

They pulled up to the drive-thru. A tinny voice came through the speaker, as Levi and Petra looked at the menu. "Hello, this is Floch," said the voice. "I'll be helping you today. May I take your order?"

Levi cleared his throat. "Um, yeah, I'll get two McFlurries, an apple pie, a chocolate chip cookie, a large fries… hold on…" Petra was gesturing at him. "…make that two apple pies, actually. And an Egg McMuffin."

 _"_ Okay," the cashier's voice sounded tired. "What size did you want those McFlurries? And did you want those M&M or Oreo?"

"Uh… one large M&M, and one small—er, no second one is a large Oreo. Thanks."

"Great. So, one large M&M McFlurry, one large Oreo McFlurry, two baked apple pies, two soft-baked chocolate chip cookies, and a large fries. Anything else?"

"And an Egg McMuffin."

"Sorry?"

"And an Egg McMuffin."

"And an Egg McMuffin, got it."

Levi tapped the gas pedal and they rolled slowly into line. There was only one car in front of them, which was good, because Levi was starving. "Hey, what was that weird thing where you asked if I caught Eren and Mikasa?" he said suddenly, glancing at Petra. "That was super weird."

Petra looked nervous all of a sudden. "Well, I've been talking to Mikasa recently…"

Levi wheeled on her. "Oh fuck, did she mention something? Is that twerp trying to make moves on her?"

"No, no, nothing like that!" Petra raised her hands defensively. "Actually, she said Eren's been really sweet and attentive, and hasn't like, you know. Done any typical teenage boy stuff. But… I mean… I may have given her some condoms anyway? Like, just in case?"

Levi blinked. "Excuse me?"

"I just want her to be safe!" Petra said. "Someone needed to give her the sex talk, and I'm guessing it's not going to come from you or Kenny!"

"You gave my sister condoms?" Levi said in disbelief. "She's a freshman!"

Petra folded her arms. "I just want her to be safe, whatever she chooses."

"Petra, stay the fuck away from my little sister!"

"Oh, come on, Levi! I think she's too young too, but if she's going to end up _doing things_ with Eren, wouldn't it be better knowing she's not going to get knocked up? Unless you have a better form of contraception!

The blonde-haired cashier peered out from the window. "Excuse me, your McFlurries are ready."

"Yeah, I have a better form of contraception," Levi growled. "It's called cutting Eren's dick off."

"Ugh!" Petra slapped the glove compartment in frustration. "I can't deal with you, sometimes! That girl doesn't have a mom, and I think—I know that's hard for both of you, but sometimes I think you don't realize how hard that can be for a girl. She doesn't have anyone to talk to about these things. And I know you're doing your best, but you don't know everything she's going through. And Kenny's never there for her either. I don't want her to make a mistake that could ruin her life!"

"Excuse me," said the cashier, his voice more insistent. "Your order's ready, and you're holding up the line."

Levi gritted his teeth. "You should have at least _told_ me!" he shouted at her.

"I didn't because I _knew_ you'd react like this!" Petra shouted back. "Seriously, you make everything so difficult! Has it occurred to you that people might do things without telling you because it's actually _easier that way_!"

"Don't make excuses!" Levi shouted.

Petra got right up in his face, her cheeks flushed red and her eyes scrunched up. "Well, maybe you shouldn't make excuses for being a crappy brother!"

"Holy shit SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TAKE YOUR FUCKING ORDER!" the cashier screamed.

Levi and Petra both turned to look at him. "Woah, dude," Levi said. "Chill out."

"You know what?" the cashier said. "Fuck you and fuck your McFlurries!" He threw the ice cream shakes on the ground. M&M's and Oreo chunks went flying everywhere.

"Woah!" Levi said.

"Yeah, that's right, eat your fucking ice cream now, you asshole!" the cashier said. "And fuck your Egg McMuffin too!" He threw the Egg McMuffin on the ground. "Fuck your fries, fuck your chocolate chip cookies, fuck your apple pie, fuck your girlfriend, and fuck McDonalds!" He took off his cap, which read _Dedicate Your Heart to McDonalds_ , and wadded it up into a ball before throwing it in the trash can. "This job sucked ass anyway!" He disappeared from the window, but they could still hear him shouting through the store. "It's all a big fucking scam! Work is bullshit! Capitalism is a lie!"

Gradually his voice stopped echoing and they were left with only silence in the McDonalds drive-thru parking lot.

Levi looked down at the McFlurries spread across the tarmac. Some of the fries had landed in the ice cream, and were starting to dissolve.

"Goddammit," he said. "You want to try Burger King?"


	4. Rubber-Duck It Out

Second period biology, or as Levi liked to think of it, "naptime." Over his four years of high school, he'd perfected the keen art of pretending to look at his notes—while actually leaning on his elbow in a sort of half-conscious daze. The fact that it was so damn warm in the room didn't help him concentrate, nor did the steady drone of Mr. Zackley's unenthused voice as he lectured about the mechanics of the endocrine system.

Consequently, Levi didn't notice when Krista strolled into the class, took a look around, and marched over to his desk.

"Levi," she said. "Where's my column?"

Levi's eyes fluttered open. "Pituitary gland," he mumbled before falling back asleep.

"Levi." Krista reached forward and flicked him on the forehead.

"What—son of a—" Levi started awake, then suppressed a scream as he stared into the eyes of Krista. The startling blueness of her pupils was filled with some kind of demonic hellfire. She looked absolutely murderous.

"What do you want?" he hissed. People were starting to look at them and he heard a few stray whispers.

Krista folded her arms. "Where's my column, Levi?" she said. "I want my column."

Levi glanced around and came to a split-second decision. He got up from his desk, coughed, muttered "bathroom," and walked toward the door. He heard students pointing and gossiping as Krista stamped after him. "Excuse me?" she said. "Are you really walking away from me right now?"

He wheeled on her as soon as they were in the hallway. "Don't ever do that again."

She pursed her lips and gave him the universal look for _you are trash_. "You said you'd email me the column by last night. I checked my email after supper. Not there. I tried to take my mind off it, had the maid draw me a bubble bath. Smithers whipped me up some macarons, too. But I had to check my email again—I needed to see if you'd sent it. Not there. This morning, as I lay in my four-poster canopy bed, I felt my heart in my throat as I checked the email on my phone to see if—"

"Jesus Christ, I get the idea!" Levi said. He paused, then shrugged. "I didn't write the damn column, okay?"

Krista looked dumbstruck. "Not even an outline?"

"I didn't even open a Word doc."

"Why?" she whispered. "How?"

"Because," Levi flailed his arms uselessly. "Because my night kind of went south, and I ended up getting in a giant fight with the one person who was willing to help me with it."

Krista stood and considered this for a second. She actually seemed devastated that Levi hadn't put any work towards the dating column. He wondered how it was possible for someone to care so deeply about a high school newspaper.

"You have until tonight at 10 p.m.," she decided. "I'll stay up late to edit it myself. If you don't send it to me by then…" she considered, "...I'll just have to publish something else in that space instead. Maybe I'll write down the transcript of you giving me dating advice? _And_ I'll include your name on it? We'll see how long your precious tough-guy reputation lasts after that."

Levi narrowed his eyes. "You wouldn't," he said. "That doesn't make you look good either. You come across like a clueless ditz."

Krista poked his chest, hard. "Don't test me, Levi," she said. "You don't know what I'll do. I'm fucking crazy."

* * *

Levi had resolved to eat alone that lunch, but Gunter slid into the chair opposite him. The brown-haired boy let out a weary sigh. "Dude, are you and Petra fighting again?"

"Yeah."

"Dude."

Levi shrugged, then went back to his ham sandwich.

"Every time you do this, it tears the group up. You know how much it sucks to constantly be playing mediator? Olou's trying to get her to make peace. I'm supposed to be working on you."

"What about Eld?"

"Eld's scouting for a new angsty couple for our friend group. We're thinking Armin and Annie. If it goes through, me, him, and Olou are friend-dumping you two and moving in the replacements."

Levi rolled his eyes. "Armin and Annie? Nice bluff, but you won't. He's a nerd, and she's… actually, you know what? I don't think I've ever heard her talk."

"Hm." Gunter leaned his chin on his hand and stared out across the cafeteria. "Yeah. Seriously, though, what happened last night?"

"Just something dumb," Levi said. "I overreacted."

"So, you admit it's your fault?"

Levi stared at the table. "It usually is."

Gunter gave another sigh and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "You're lucky I care about you," he said. "I'll see if I can smooth things over with the Petrafier. Also, come out to Hange's tonight. It'll be chill. Just a small group."

"I can't," Levi said, "I gotta finish this…" and then he remembered he hadn't told Gunter about the dating column yet.

"Finish what. Homework? Come on, dude. Super lame."

Levi had a fierce moment of internal struggle. His dark side won. "Alright," he said. "I'll be there."

Gunter grinned. "Great, man."

* * *

Levi pulled up to Hange's driveway and made a _tch_ in the back of his throat, as he saw the crowd idling on the front lawn. _Small group, my ass._ He parked the car off to the side and made his way up to the front door, absentmindedly jangling his keys in his hand. He could hear the music blaring.

Mike Zacharias stopped him at the entrance. "Hold up," the shaggy-haired blond said. "Who do you know here?"

Levi snorted. "Really?"

"Nah, not really." Mike gestured to the doorway. "Have a good time."

Levi shook his head and wandered into the house. The lights were off, and the place was absolutely packed. Some of the kids looked young, too… juniors, a couple sophomores. It was starting to make sense why Mike was playing bouncer. _Soon we're gonna start seeing freshmen here_.

He spotted a couple familiar faces—Jean Kirstein and his boyfriend Marco Bolt, talking in a corner. Nanaba and Geiger were taking turns with a handle, while they chatted with Ymir, who glanced over and gave him a nod of acknowledgement.

Levi wondered where Gunter and the rest of the gang were. He wondered if Petra was here.

Last night, he'd driven her home in stony silence, following the McDonalds incident. He'd been too mad to try to apologize as he'd let her out. What was it about the condoms thing that had got him so riled up? Was he just being overprotective? Was it something to do with Eren? Had he just been hangry?

He needed to find Petra. He needed to talk to her.

"BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The enormous, muscular Reiner Braun was ambling over towards him, a red solo cup in either hand. Judging by the red eyes and slightly wobbly gait, the night was already starting to take an effect on him. Levi watched warily as Reiner approached, beer sloshing from side to side in his cups. He scrunched his face in distaste. "Hey, Reiner."

Reiner put one arm around Levi's shoulder, one of his drinks right at eye level. Levi gagged on the fumes of whatever cheap light beer Reiner had in the cup. He could _feel_ the beer shits.

Reiner chuckled, and said, "Levi. Bro. It's a party."

"Yeah, I know, Reiner. That's why I came."

"No, you don't understand, bro." Reiner shook his head. "It's a _party_."

"…what?"

"It's a _party_." Reiner repeated.

"Why are you putting emphasis on the word party?"

Reiner squinted. "Because… it's… um…" he went cross-eyed. "Woah. Bro. Brooo."

"Dude, are you on something?"

"Levi, I just realized, like…" Reiner paused. His mouth hung slightly open. "Have you ever thought, we're on this planet, and it's moving through space, it's moving through space so fast, but, like, we don't feel it?"

"Okay, you're tripping." Levi slid out from under Reiner's arm. "See you later."

"Wait, Levi!" Reiner stretched hand arm out. Levi narrowly dodged a jet of beer which went splashing against the floor. Reiner stared at him. "I'm on a quest, man," he said. "I'm on a quest to save the world. I need your help."

"I don't think I can possibly help you with that."

"You can, man," Reiner whispered. "You're the only one who knows what I need to do."

"I have literally no idea what you're talking about."

"YOU GOTTA HELP ME!" Reiner shouted. A couple people close to them shot them glances, but mostly Reiner's voice was drowned out by the music. "I don't know what to do!" Reiner said, and he was so full of anguish that Levi winced. "Where do I go, man? Where do I gooooo?"

 _Well, maybe if I give him something, I won't have to deal with this anymore_. Levi stuck his thumb in the direction of the kitchen door. "Go that way."

"YES SIR!" Reiner shouted. He dropped into a sprinter's pose suddenly, cups falling to the floor. "FOR HUMANITY!" he screamed. Levi watched in horror as Reiner sprinted full tilt towards the kitchen door. People screamed and threw themselves out of the way as he charged. There was a crash as Reiner _threw himself_ into the door, knocking it straight off its hinges. The music came to a sudden stop. Everyone stared.

Slowly they looked back the direction Reiner had sprinted, until all eyes were on Levi.

"I…" he gestured hopelessly. "I just…"

"Levi Ackerman," someone said. He turned to see Zoë Hange glaring at him.

"Hange, I didn't…"

Suddenly, she broke out into song. "I should have known you'd break down all my walls!" she cried out, in some kind of disjointed lyrical beat. She started boogying in his direction. "GET THE MUSIC BACK ON!" she screamed. "THIS PARTY NEVER STOPS!"

Levi allowed her to drag him onto the dance floor, mostly because he felt guilty for indirectly destroying her kitchen. The music started playing, some old Drake song came on, and the homemade disco ball descended.

* * *

Sometime later in the night, he ended up on the back patio with the stoners.

Most of them he didn't know, but he did recognize Ymir, who was rolling a joint on the porch table. "You pack a bowl?" he asked her.

"I don't really use pieces," she said. "They look like dicks. I hate dicks."

"Are you gay or something?"

"Ha ha." She flicked open her lighter and brought the flame to the tip of the joint. She took a long hit.

"Bowls are easier," Levi said. "Sometimes you wanna get stoned with zero fucking effort. And joints are messy."

"Whatever."

A pleasant silence followed, punctuated by people coughing on the patio and the heavy scent of smoke.

"I need to write this fucking column for your girlfriend," Levi said.

"What, that dating shit? Is that real?" Ymir looked at him, then leaned her head back and gave a barking laugh. "You cannot be serious."

"Yeah… sadly, it's real."

Ymir took another hit and stared out past him. The sun had just set, and it was starting to get dark.

"It's so fucking stupid," Levi said. "Why am I giving anyone dating advice? I don't know shit about relationships." He thought about it for a second. "I don't have a single healthy relationship in my life."

Ymir didn't answer, just continued staring past him, the joint hanging loosely from her mouth.

"Are you even listening?" he asked.

"What?" Ymir turned. "Sorry, not gonna lie, I'm high as balls right now."

"Why would your girlfriend ask me to give relationship advice when I can't even help myself?" Levi asked.

Ymir considered this for a while. Finally, she shrugged, and said, "It's about the idea."

"What does that mean?"

She flicked her used joint on the table and started rolling another. "The idea of someone like you giving dating advice to people is really funny," she said. "It doesn't matter if it's helpful or not."

"What? That's…" Levi considered. "fuck, that actually kind of makes sense."

Another long silence.

"You better write this column for her," Ymir said. "Otherwise she's gonna be a total nightmare over the weekend. Not looking forward to that."

"I don't know what to write... don't know how to solve these kinds of problems. My only tools are yelling and foul language."

"You just gotta… rubber-duck it out."

"…what the hell did you just say?"

Ymir collapsed into a sudden giggling fit. She managed to regain her composure, and said, "Sorry, you know… rubber ducking," she laughed. "It's like a problem-solving thing. You try explaining your problems to a rubber-duck?"

"I talk to a rubber-duck?"

"Exactly." A pause, and then Ymir started cracking up again.

"You're not really filling me with confidence here."

"Sorry. But I'm serious. It's actually a thing."

"Okay, so I get a rubber duck, and then I tell it my problems. And then?"

"Then you figure out the answers."

"So, by explaining my problems to a rubber duck I figure out the answers?"

Ymir looked at him, and then broke out into laughter _again._ "You're fucking with me," he said.

"No, no, I'm not! I swear, I'm not, it's just—" _giggling_ "—rubber duck—" _more giggling_ "—such a fucking funny word."

"You really are high as balls right now."

"I really am."

Levi watched her as she started rolling her third joint.

"Does Krista smoke?" he asked.

Ymir smirked. "Not yet."

Far in the distance he could see the highway, the distant lights of cars dawning and dwindling. For a second, he felt a sense of profound peace, though he wasn't sure why.

He glanced at his watch. 9:00 p.m. What was he possibly going to give Krista? "I better go write this thing. I only have an hour left."

"Good luck, love guru!" Ymir said. She paused, then said, "Seriously, good luck, though."

"Thanks, Ymir." He made his way off the patio, walking back around the side of the house towards his car. He stepped gingerly over the body of Reiner Braun, who at some point had made it out of the kitchen and was now passed out with his head in the bushes. Plastic cups and ping pong balls littered the driveway.

How Hange possibly bankrolled her parties, he had no idea. He had his suspicions, though. She and Moblit were doing some kind of strange "chemistry experiments" in her basement.

He unlocked his car and slid into the driver's seat. He couldn't help but let out a sigh, as the memories of last night came crawling back. _I'm such a fucking idiot_ , he thought.

On the way home, he stopped by Wal-Mart and picked up a yellow toy rubber-duck.


	5. The Problem With Black Widow

He parked the car in the driveway, and sat for a moment. The wind whistled through the trees outside. He looked down at the plastic Walmart bag in the passenger's seat, then frowned.

Why were there _two_ duck-size shapes in the bag?

He opened it up to see… two very different rubber ducks. One was yellow, the same one he remembered taking from the shelf. The other was a bright red rubber duck, a little smaller, with black eyelashes. A feminine rubber duck. Although he hadn't known there was gender coding for bath toys until now.

Well, he didn't remember picking it out—it must have fallen in. He was an accidental shoplifter.

He sighed and grabbed the bag, opened the car door. The wind rushed into his face and he pulled up the hood on his hoodie, walked quickly over to the house. The lights were off. Mikasa must have already gone to sleep, and Kenny would probably be at the bar until 2 a.m. or so. Levi's keys jangled as he pulled them from his pocket. He slid the key into the lock and opened the front door.

He walked inside and into the living room, and flipped on the light.

Eren was asleep on the couch.

Levi stared at him for five long seconds, his brain trying to make sense of the image. What the hell was Eren Yaeger… doing on his couch? The kid was fast asleep, even drooling a little bit. Levi checked his watch. 9:15 p.m.

He prodded the sleeping boy with one shoe. "Hey. Kid."

Eren jolted upright, his green eyes blinking rapidly. "Fuh—ugbdubu," he mumbled. He blinked again and then looked at Levi and gasped. "Oh my gosh, Mr. Levi, captain, sir—I—I—"

"Cut the shit, Eren. What are you doing here?"

"Um…" Eren bit his lip.

"If you don't tell me right now, you're running suicides for the next week of practice."

Eren looked down at the carpet. "I was just going to take a nap before heading home, sir," he said. "I guess I overslept." He chuckled nervously.

"Okay. Couple things," Levi said. "One, don't call me sir. That's weird. Second, you're full of shit, Yaeger. Tell me the truth before I beat your ass."

A look of panic flashed over Eren's face. "I…."

"Tell. Me."

"It's Mikasa," Eren said. "She mentioned you'd be out at Hange's until late, and she didn't think Kenny was going to be home anytime soon, and… um… well, I don't think she'd want me to tell you this, but she gets kind of scared when the house is empty, so I said I'd just sleep here on the couch until you came back, and—" he flinched suddenly as Levi brought his hand up.

"I'm not going to hit you, Yaeger," Levi said wearily, as he massaged his forehead. "You're fine. Thanks. You can go home now."

"Oh." Eren sat, looking surprised. "You're not angry?"

"Why would I be angry?" Levi asked sharply.

"You're always angry."

"That's some fucking bullshit."

"You just got angry about me calling you angry."

"Oh, fuck off, that's absolutely…" Levi paused. "God dammit." He pushed his hair back and sighed. "Whatever. You need a ride back?"

"I'm okay," Eren said. "My house is right down the street."

"Your house is right down the street?" Levi said in disbelief.

"Yeah."

"How long have you lived there?"

"Um, like, eight years?"

"How have I never noticed that? I mean… never mind. I'm too tired for this. See you around, Yaeger."

"Thanks, Levi," Eren said, before scampering away from the couch and towards the front door. Levi went to lock the door behind him, his mind churning. _Mikasa gets scared when the house is empty… of course. How could I have not realized that? How idiotic am I?_

 _I might be the worst older brother in the world._

* * *

What most people didn't know is that he and Mikasa were actually cousins, not siblings. She'd moved in with him when she was young, after her parents had died in an accident.

Well, not an accident, really.

The police still weren't sure exactly what had happened, or why. Their best guess was a robbery gone wrong. When the cops had arrived on the scene, they'd found Mikasa hiding under the bed, shaking. Her parents had been stabbed in the foyer. Most of the valuables, missing.

The police had traced the robbers based on some security footage. In the subsequent chase, the getaway car had careened across the highway into oncoming traffic. It had collided directly with an eighteen-wheeler. That had been that. And Levi had suddenly gotten a new baby sister.

Except he hadn't been ready to be an older brother. Just like his deadbeat dad Kenny... who hadn't been ready to father anybody, let alone two kids, one of whom was an orphan. And so, Mikasa had mostly been left to her own devices.

She always seemed so strong, outwardly so impassive. He should've guessed it was an act. Some kind of shield, some kind of shell, to protect her against a cruel and terrible world.

* * *

He sat down on his desk and ruffled through the plastic Walmart bag for his ducks. He placed the yellow one on the brown wood surface first, then placed the smaller red one next to it.

"Hmm, what am I going to name you guys?" he muttered.

Farlan, he decided, for the yellow duck. And Isabel, for the red duck.

He glanced at his watch. 9:30 p.m.

"Alright, guys," he said to the ducks. "I got half an hour to write some dating advice for Krista, and if I don't finish it, I'm toast. Now, here's the issue. I'm a piece of shit."

The ducks stared back at him.

"I don't know anything about relationships, and in fact, I'm terrible at them," Levi continued. "So how am I supposed to tell this girl what to do?"

The ducks stared back at him.

"Farlan. Isabel. You guys are really letting me down right now."

It occurred to him suddenly, that maybe the reason this worked so well for Ymir is that she got so high the ducks started talking back to her.

He sighed and opened up a loose-leaf. Grabbing a pen, he thought for a second, wrote something, crossed it out, cursed, and put the pen back down.

"What could I possible even say?" he asked Farlan and Isabel. "A part of me wants to just write about how shitty I am at this."

He blinked.

"Oh. Wait a second."

He looked down at the loose-leaf, then back at the ducks, and then grabbed his pen. "That's it," he muttered. "You guys are geniuses."

He thought maybe he heard some celebratory quacking as he scribbled some lines down. Once he had a decent outline, he reached into his backpack and took out his laptop, and typed up a rough draft of the column.

At 9:58 p.m., he attached the document to an email and sent it to .

"Two minutes to spare," he muttered to himself. "That's better than I usually do."

* * *

Afterwards, he lay on his bed and looked up at the ceiling and sighed. He glanced at his phone, lying next to him. His hand was instinctively moving towards it. _I shouldn't call her_ , he thought. _It's late._ But after a second, he cursed quietly, grabbed the phone, and flipped it open.

He dialed a number. He heard the line ring and then a voice.

"Hey." Petra's voice was quiet.

"Hey," he said.

A moment passed.

"You at home?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said. "Mikasa's sleeping. Kenny's not back yet. I was gonna to sleep. Petra…" he struggled for words. "I've been a real dick lately."

"Levi," she paused. "It's my fault too. I shouldn't have gone behind your back. She's your sister."

He cradled the phone in his hand. "You know I came home today, and Eren was sleeping on the couch, and when I asked him why, he said it's because Mikasa's scared when the house is empty? And I realized I'd never even thought of that?"

"Oh," Petra said. "Oh, I feel so bad. That poor girl."

"You didn't do anything wrong," he said. "I'm the one who's been an idiot. I haven't been looking out for Mikasa. And you and Eren and everyone else have been covering for my mistakes."

"Levi, I didn't mean that, those things I said. You're doing your best."

"No, I'm not. I've been going out, I've been partying, I've just been…"

"—you deserve to live your life—"

"I just—" his voice broke for a second. "Petra, why the fuck do people look to me for guidance? I don't know anything! I'm completely lost. I have no idea what I'm doing."

"But you're honest," she said. "That's why people come to you. It's something I always liked about you. You're honest, even when you shouldn't be."

"Ha," he said. The ceiling fan above him spun lazily. "I don't think I deserve you," he said.

She tutted. "Um, well, yeah, obviously. I'm basically perfect. Actually, that reminds me of something. Can I, like, talk about something totally random that's bothering me?"

"Um, sure."

"Okay—you know Black Widow?"

"What? The spider?"

"No, the superhero. Played by Scarlet Johansson."

"Oh, like Black Widow, from the Marvel movies?"

"Yeah."

"Sure. That _is_ kind of random, Petra."

"Okay, I know, but I was re-watching Avengers: Age of Ultron today, and I realized how much I fucking hate her. Black Widow."

"Woah, hold on. You _hate_ her?"

"I despise her with every fiber of my being."

Levi frowned. "Isn't she, like, the feisty redhead in a group of boys."

"Your point?"

"Uh, nothing."

"Look, here's my problem with Black Widow. First, she shows up in the Iron Man movie, as his sexy assistant or whatever. Then she's in Captain America's movie, as his… I don't even know what that relationship was. By the time Age of Ultron rolls around, they're shipping her with Hulk!"

"Are you slut-shaming Black Widow?"

"I'm not _slut-shaming_ her, I don't think she's even sleeping with any of them! She just exists, as this… emotional crutch. She's only around to service their character development. And her own backstory gets lazily tacked on afterwards. I watch these movies and I'm just so pissed off by it, because it reminds me that they're not even really made for me, they're stories for young men to self-insert into."

"Uh." Levi went cross-eyed trying to follow her train of thought.

"And then I think about it more, and I realize I see that kind of thing all over media. And I just think to myself… I think about my own behavior, and I start wondering if I'm being socialized to act a certain way. Like is everything I do just so I fit some image… some thing that guys want me to be?"

"Jesus, Petra."

"Sorry, yeah. That got super dark."

Levi thought for a second. "Hold on, are you mad at me for using you as an emotional crutch just now?"

Petra gasped. "Oh my gosh, no. That's not what I meant at all. For you, I wish you'd open up more often. It's…" she paused. "It's nice."

"Oh, okay. That's good," he said. "Also, why the hell do you even watch these movies, if you hate Black Widow so much?"

"Well…" she seemed to be thinking. "I like the other characters."

"What… Captain America? Hulk?" He couldn't keep the skepticism out of his voice.

"Yeah." A slight hesitation. "And Tony Stark. I think he's really interesting."

"Isn't he a raging asshole or something?"

"Yeah… because, you know. He's hurting on the inside."

"Ha." Levi stared up at the ceiling. "Sure, whatever. I just don't really get what's in it for you. It's a bunch of dudes."

"I mean…" there was a long pause. He heard Petra cough on the other end of the line. Finally, she said, "…Levi, have you ever heard of slash?"

"What?"

She laughed nervously. "Actually never mind."

"Whaaat, come on. Now I'm interested."

"No… no… I really don't think you would be. Um. Hey, it's getting pretty late."

He glanced at his watch. "Yeah. I guess I'm pretty beat."

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah," he said. "And, hey, Petra?"

"Uh huh?"

"I'm sorry. For last night."

"Oh, Levi." She sighed. "I'm sorry too. I'm not perfect, you're not perfect. But… let's try to be better." She paused. "You can talk to me about anything, you know that?"

"I know," he said. "I love you."

Could you hear someone smiling through the phone? Sometimes he thought he could. "I love you, too," she said. "Good night, Levi."

"Night, Petra."

* * *

 _Dear "Hitched,"_

 _Look, I'll be honest with you. I read your letter and thought to myself "this boy must be the stupidest male specimen on the entire planet." One of the dumb clueless guys who can't see what's in front of them. But I realized something today. I'm one of those dumb clueless guys, too._

 _Today, I realized just how much I take the relationships in my life for granted, whether it's my friends, my girlfriend, even my own family._

 _I don't know your bowl-cut beau personally, but if I had to bet, I'd say he has a kind of image in his head of you. A half-filled image, maybe, like a black-and-white photograph. And he's missing your fears and flaws, quirks and desires. He might be spending time with you, but you aren't spending time together._

 _You need to tell him how you feel. You need to cut through that image and show him who you are. I don't know have much advice other than that. I don't know how to catch his attention or "show him what he's missing." But I also don't think any of that's necessary._

 _Guys, like me, we want things to be simple. Straightforward. And if that's how it appears on the surface, we won't question it._

 _Human beings aren't simple, though, they're messy, and complex._

 _You just need to remind him of that._

 _Sincerely,_

 _The Captain_

* * *

 **(Author's Note)**

Thank you all for reading this story! I originally planned this to be just the one-shot, but I ended up sitting down and writing an outline for a full five chapters. The main thing I wanted to focus on is Levi and his character arc.

Now that I've gone and finished though, I feel like there's so much left of the story to explore. What about Mikasa and Eren? And Petra, who has so much left to say. Ymir and Krista, too.

I need to finish my current long WIP before I start another multi-chapter fic, but I promise I'm going to revisit my high school AU at some point in the future. Thanks again to everyone who commented and reviewed! You guys are all awesome, and I hope you enjoyed.


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